


The Five Times Percy Told Keyleth He Was Okay and the One Time He Told Her the Truth

by LunaEarnshaw



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Five Times, Hurt/Comfort, Keyleth does not take his crap, Percy doesn't talk about feelings, Rare Pairing, Song fic, angsty!Percy, based on an mcr song, concerned!Keyleth, inspired by percy's playlist, kind of, other members of Vox Machina mentioned, spoilers through ep 89
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 20:38:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10670337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaEarnshaw/pseuds/LunaEarnshaw
Summary: Title says it all. Inspired and loosely based on the MCR song "I'm Not Okay" which was the song for Keyleth on Percy's first playlist. This is several times throughout the story that Keyleth is worried about Percy, and he tries to brush her off even though he is so not okay."So yeah, Keyleth, I’m not okay! I’m not o-fucking-kay!"





	The Five Times Percy Told Keyleth He Was Okay and the One Time He Told Her the Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Quick note: This mostly keeps to cannon, but in this Vaxleth is sort of a thing, but not as steady or stable. And Perc'ahlia is not a thing at all. No hate intended for either of these ships, it just didn't fit the story I wanted to tell. Also, this is inspired by the song "I'm Not Okay" by My Chemical Romance, which is an awesome song that I highly recommend, and I'm very grateful to Taliesin Jaffe for introducing me to it by including it on the Percy playlist. Anywho, enjoy, folks!-Luna Earnshaw

_But you really need to listen to me_  
Because I'm telling you the truth  
I mean this, I'm okay!  
(Trust Me)  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
Well, I'm not okay  
I'm not o-fucking-kay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
(Okay)

_-“I’m Not Okay” –My Chemical Romance_

            Everything is steel and smoke and vengeance. Percy can’t see his friends, can’t think; he hears his sister screaming as the arrows sink into her back; all he wants is to hurt the people who hurt his family, to make them pay. A hand on his arm makes him turn and look into the face of a concerned Keyleth.

            “Percy, are you alright?” she asks.

            “I’m fine,” he lies unconvincingly.

            “There’s smoke coming from you.” He tries to walk away, but she doesn’t let go of his arm and brings her other hand to his forehead. “You’re burning up. And you’re still coughing. Percy…” Her voice wavers uncertainly.

            “I’m okay, Keyleth,” he retorts. She steps back, but doesn’t buy it.

 

 

It’s just after Vex’s death and subsequent resurrection. It’s a relief to have her back, but a relief somewhat lessened by Vax’s bargain to the Raven Queen and the possibilities of its consequences. Keyleth catches sight of Vax leaving Percy on the steps of the courtyard in Whitestone.

            Percy sits down, rubbing his jaw. The punch didn’t hurt much in itself but the feeling behind it does. As does the guilt.

            As Keyleth approaches he hastily rises to his feet.

            “Hey, I just saw Vax walking away, so, um, how are you?” Keyleth asks, her forehead creased with concern.

            “I’m okay,” he says brushing past her into the castle.

 

 

            Keyleth knocks on Percy’s door the morning after the ritual that brought Percy back.

            “Hey,” she says in a small voice, having let herself in.

            “Hey,” he responds weakly.

            “How are you feeling?”

            “About as well as can be expected.”

            “Right, well, you’ve been through a lot. I don’t think I can fathom just how much. But if you want to talk, I’m here.”

            Her voice is gentle and soothing. Percy considers telling her about the pain he’d experienced in that _place_ if it was a place, of hearing her voice, of how that pulled him out, of thoughts about how his life isn’t his own, it is theirs Whitestone’s and Cassandra’s, Vox Machina’s, Keyleth’s, of the fear of that hell he’d been in, of how glad he is to be alive, of the persistent concern of where those he’d shot and killed with Orthax’s gun might be, the confession that a part of him, the cruel part that had scared Keyleth so, doesn’t care.

            The words are there, just under the surface. He looks up at her. Her eyebrows have come together. Her hands fidget behind her back. Her hunched shoulders have nearly risen up to her pointed ears. Deep concern fills her emerald eyes. She needs reassurance, Percy thinks. Telling her he’s not okay would just upset her, and they don’t have time to be upset. There are dragons to kill.

            So he quickly schools his expression and tells her what she needs to hear.

            “I’m okay.”

 

 

            Scanlan is dead. He can’t stop thinking it as he shepherds the others out of Raishan’s cave. They make their way past the hordes of undead. Out of the cave the teleportation spell fails. Now Kima and Allura are probably dead too. He pushes them on, keep them walking till they’re far from the cave. Scanlan is dead. Vex catches sight of a speck in the distance. Keyleth gets excited. Kerrek tells her that sometimes people leave and never come back. Vax is holding Scanlan’s body. Scanlan is dead.

Percy feels nothing.

When her earring is back in range, Vex tells them the news. It’s them! Kima and Allura! Percy takes off on the carpet to help carry them. He pries a crying Keyleth from Kerrek’s shoulder, and pushes her towards the tree. Keyleth takes them to Whitestone. Scanlan is dead. Percy stops her from breaking down.

            “None of that now. We cry when it’s over. There’s work to be done.”

            Percy gets to work. Keeps busy. He pushes the others to the temple of the Raven Queen, orders guards to get Pike, runs into the castle as every part of his body screams from the pain and exhaustion of the resurrection and gets the gatestone from his sister, runs back and gives it to Vex, runs to the temple, helps Pike set up. There’s not much he can do, but he does everything he can because the moment he stops doing something he will think. And when he thinks his thoughts will go past, _Scanlan is dead,_ the thought that’s been on a loop in his mind. Scanlan is dead is the thought that repeats in his head to the rhythm of his running. Scanlan is dead is the thought that emerges from every flash of pain in his side. Scanlan is dead he thinks with each holy symbol he draws on the ground for Pike’s ritual. Scanlan is dead. Scanlan is dead. _Scanlan is dead._ He can’t think past that, won’t let himself, no, that won’t do at all. He can’t think about Scanlan’s songs or his smile and how he might never see them again. He can’t think more because then he’ll think how is it possible that his gnome friend, the most _alive_ person he has ever known, is dead? He can’t think more because then he’ll think about how sometimes people go away and they never come back. He’ll think about how it’s not fair and that will make him angry; it will make him want to scream or shoot something or someone, but there’s no one to shoot anymore because Raishan is dead and anyway that wouldn’t bring Scanlan back and gods, he’s just so fucking useless, and then he’d feel small and worthless. And he would miss his friend, his friend Scanlan who is dead.

            So he doesn’t let himself get that far, limiting himself to the mantra. Scanlan is dead. Scanlan is dead. Scanlan is dead. Scanlan is dead. Scanlan is dead. Scanlan is _dead._ Oh fuck, he really is dead.

            A hand finds Percy’s, and he squeezes instinctively. His eyes follow up the arm to see whose it is and are met with a pair of shining emerald eyes, red and puffy from tears. There is a question in Keyleth’s eyes.

            “I’m okay,” he says which is a lie. “You’re okay. He’ll— It’ll all be okay.” He hopes that at least will be true.

 

 

            All is not okay. Yes, Scanlan’s alive, but he’s left them. And without him, the victory over the Chroma Conclave doesn’t feel like much of a victory at all.

            “Stupid. Selfish. Little. Shit.” Percy shouts as he hammers metal with unnecessary force in his workshop. “Couldn’t have waited a bit to insult your family. NO, you had to be such a fucking drama queen, didn’t you, Scanlan?”

            He spends the night alone in his workshop taking his anger and pain out on the metal making traps and bullets and explosives. Around perhaps three? four? in the morning, the door of his workshop swings open to reveal an unsteady Keyleth.

            “It’s polite to knock,” he tells her putting down what he’s been working on.

            “I did,” Keyleth responds closing the door. “You just didn’t hear over the sound of you trying to hammer the feeling away.”

            “What feeling?” Oh dear, they’re entering dangerous waters now.

            “The feeling that the rest of us have been trying to drink away. The feeling that he was right.”

            “Actually, I’ve been more preoccupied with the thought of punching him in his big, stupid mouth.”

            “Oh, well, that too I guess,” she says staggering further into the room, unceremoniously shoving his tools aside, and leaning onto the workbench. Percy takes off his gloves and walks towards her. “Why didn’t you go out drinking with us? Or with Vax and Grog?”

            “I had some work to finish up.”

            “Work on what? The dragons are dead.”

            “So that means I finally have time to work on all these projects that have been piling up.”

            “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have stayed and helped.”

            “Nah, it’s fine. You and Vex were going and…” Percy waved his hand in an attempt to sweep her concerns away.

            “You know, you don’t have to do this,” She tells him. “You don’t have to be this put together, strong person all the time. You can tell me when something’s wrong.”

            _But I do, though,_ he wants to tell her, _because someone has to be the adult. Someone has to keep us all going._ “I’m fine, Keyleth. A lot has happened today, yes, but I’m okay,” he says instead.

            “Well, I’m not okay,” says Keyleth in a small voice. Her hand closes around the lapel of his blue coat. _Holy shit, when did she get this close?_ Percy thinks. “I need you,” she says pulling him closer.

            Her eyelashes brush against his cheek. Her breath falls on his neck, and he almost shivers. Her hands make their way under his coat and move across the muscles of his chest. She lightly nips his earlobe, and it’s so unexpected that he let’s out an undignified yelp, but moves in closer. Her eyes have flecks of gold in them, he notices. His heart is in his throat.

            “Shouldn’t you go find Vax?” Percy manages to say.

            “Vax isn’t talking to me,” she says, and she presses a soft kiss on his jaw. “Besides, I don’t want Vax. I want you.” She sits up on the work bench and pulls him in by the shirt so that he’s between her legs. “I want you, Percy.”

            _Oh fuck_. He wants to; he really does. But not like this. Not when she’s drunk. Not when they’re both thinking about Scanlan. He kisses her on the forehead.

            “Keyleth, my dear, what you’re suggesting is very tempting, but you are very drunk and very upset. Let’s get you some water and some rest. And if you still want to pick this up at a later point, we can do that.”

            She looks like she’s about protest for a moment, but she gives in and lets him escort her back to her room. She collapses on the bed with a mumbled “night, Percy”, and she’s out the moment her head hits the pillow.

            “Goodnight, Keyleth,” Percy whispers pulling the blanket around her.

            He returns to his workshop to hammer out yet more feelings.

 

 

            The sea murmurs and meets the shores of Vesrah as sweetly as a lover coming home. In this moment, it seems hard to believe that just a little ways away is a portal to a brutal plane with a vicious kraken. It seems hard to believe that moments ago they were looking at Vax’s corpse, hoping he’d return to them. It’s hard to worry at all, unless of course your name is Percival Fredrickstein von Mussel Klossowski de Rolo III.

            “Hey.” It’s Keyleth who’s sat down to his left, her voice interrupting his anxiety spiral.

            “Hi.” Percy’s voice is still distant.

            “How are you doing?”

            “I’m o—” he starts.

            “No, don’t, you’re not okay. C’mon, what’s on your mind?”

            “Alright, well, yeah, I’m not okay. I’m not. I’m worried about this Aramente. I’m worried that the point of it may have been to teach loss. I’m worried that since Vax is back, this might not be over. I’m worried about what that means for us, what that means for you. If they hurt you, I swear I… I don’t even know. Oh and you know who would have been really fucking useful in that fight. Fucking Scanlan! He could have just dominated the kraken, and there wouldn’t have even been a fight. So fuck that selfish asshole! Oh and now we’re what? Hunting a god! For fucks sake! So yeah, Keyleth, I’m not okay! I’m not o-fucking-kay!”

            He’s shouting. His fists are clenched, though he has no conscious recollection of tightening them, and there is something wet on his cheek.

            Keyleth takes him by the shoulders. “ _That._ Don’t every hide that from me, Percy. You have to tell me these things.”

            “Well, you just look at me in that way, it’s clear that you want me to say I’m okay.”

            “I want you to _be_ okay, Percy. Not to lie to me.”

            “You don’t want to hear this stuff, Keyleth. You’ve got this optimism, this view of the world. And guess what? The world can be a real bitch sometimes, Keyleth.”

            “You think I don’t know that?”

            “I think you’re determined to see life the way it seems, not the way it is.”

            “How can I see what things actually are, if you don’t tell me?”

            He shrugs. He feels like he’s said too much. “You had your own problems,” Percy mumbles.

            “Your problems are my problems, Percy.”

            “I would have told you once I’d figured something out, I promise. I just…”

            “Percy, I know you like to keep things close to your chest until you’ve figured them out. That’s one of the things I admire about you. It’s one of the things I’ve tried to learn from you. It’s smart. Gives you the upper hand. But you don’t need to hide anything from me. I know you want to seem strong and put together for all of us, maybe especially for me. But you’re my best friend. I’m on your side. So if you’re confused or scared or angry, you fucking tell me gods dammit because how can I do anything if I don’t know. You don’t have to have answers when you talk to me, sometimes maybe we can figure it out together.”

            And Percy tells her everything. Things he’d pushed back so much he’d thought he’d forgotten about them come tumbling out of his lips. He rages against Scanlan. He talks about how scared he gets and tries not to be when one of them dies. He tells her about what happened to him after he died. He wants to downplay it, but the look in Keyleth’s eye stops him. He talks about how he still feels guilty about having killed Vex’ahlia, and how he’s glad to have Vax back as a friend. He talks about Orthax, and how powerful and terrified he’d felt. He talks about his family, which he never really does.

            All the while, Keyleth listens, really listens. She doesn’t judge. Sometimes when he says something, a look of alarm flickers across her face, but then a determination sets in her eyes as if daring him to try to leave anything out. They discuss each issue, and she’s helpful in ways that he wouldn’t expect. But even just having said it is a relief.

            “Nothing is solved, though, you know,” Percy says at last.

            “Of course not, but don’t you feel better?”

            “Yes, gods yes. I mean I’m still—”

            “Not okay?”

            “Yes.”

            “You wouldn’t be you if you were,” she says with a small smile.

            “I suppose not.” He can’t help smiling back. “Um, Keyleth, since we’re talking about stuff, well, we still haven’t talked about that night.”

            She blushes, and it’s adorable. “Yeah… um no, we haven’t.”

            “I like you,” he burst out, unexpectedly.

            “I like you, too,” she responds just as quickly. They both laugh relieved and lean in to each other for a kiss.

            “How are you doing?” she asks.

            “Better now,” he says with complete honesty. “How are you doing?”

            “Fan-fucking-tastic,” and she kisses him again.

 

End

           

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed. Questions, comments, concerns, critiques all welcome! And I'm considering writing another song/playlist based fic for these two. Percy's 2016 playlist has David Bowie's "Heroes" as the song for him and Keyleth. Any interest? Let me know. Also, I'd just like to point out that both of the songs for Keyleth on the Percy playlists have romantic sentiments, so I'm like oh, hello, Taliesin, would you like to tell us something about Percy's feelings for Keyleth? I'm probably reading into it, but man do I love these two. Please write more for them, folks! I feel so alone, lol.  
> Anywho, have a good day, Critters. Comment, please! Let me know what you think!


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